Ten things I’ve learned in the 10 years since I lived through the most traumatic event of my life.
And how they’ve helped me get through the traumatic times we’re living in now.
In 2010, my childhood best friend of 17 years was killed in a car crash on her way to work that morning. I didn’t find out until I got home from work that afternoon and It. Was. Devastating. to say the least. My whole life changed in that instant. I was 24 years old at the time and I never could have imagined anything so traumatic happening to me. You don’t imagine losing your best friend, any why would you, especially at such a formative time in one’s life.
The following year in 2011, my roommate died in a freak accident at our apartment in Brooklyn. I was home asleep when the accident happened, although to be fair, it was the middle of the night when the accident occurred, but I did carry a lot of guilt about that for a long time. The next moring — when we found out the details of what happened — was. fucking. wild. There were police and paramedics in my apartment. As the first person on site, I became the point person to tell his family and friends what happened. I stepped into a role that had never even entered my brain. My whole life changed again in another instant.
Later that year after a dramatic cross country drive back home, I would find my uncle dead as I delivered him some birthday cupcakes. It was two days after my birthday and two weeks after I moved home. I thought moving home would provide a reprieve from the trauma I experienced in the previous year and a half. However, that turned out not to be the case and I fell into a deeper depression, tredding water in a well of woes. For a long time, I felt like the girl that death followed.
I look back at the that time and I sometimes wonder how I made it through. Those moments were some of the most difficult I’ve ever experienced. By difficult, I mean excruciating, horrific, anxious, and completely submerged in sorrow. In those moments and following weeks, I know I kept putting one foot in front of the other and the days kept passing, yet it was all kind of a blur while it was happening.
Now, in the wake of one of the hardest years I’ve had since then for not so dissimilar reasons; and in the wake of one of the hardest years the world has seen, here are 10 things I know to be true in the midst of very difficult times.
- Therapy is a very useful tool. There really is so much benefit to just getting it out. And I personally think it’s helpful to talk to a third party who can look at the situation with some objectivity and offer points of view that you may be unable to see while you are in the throes of grief or other discomfort. Sometimes the things that happen to us are bigger than us and we need some help to make sense of it or at least help process the senseless. We may never get the answers we seek, but we can still find acceptance and peace. I went to therapy for grief for years and still partake in a grief group from time to time and I can’t tell you how healing I find it and knowing that there’s a safe space to talk about the trauma. You may have to shop around to find the right therapist for you and your situation, but the hunt is worth the reward.
- Exercise. After my best friend died, I inherited her bike for a while before passing it on to her sister. While I had her bike, I went for a ride everyday and I honestly think it’s one the things that saved me. In the months after her death, I was biking roughly 100 miles a week. Not only was it the best shape I’ve ever been in, it was also one of the most rewarding activities for my mental health. There were many bike rides where I sobbed the whole time, but it was carathic to get it out. After those bike rides, I would be emotionally and physically exhausted, but that exhaustion also gave me a reprieve from my intense grief. There were other times when I just went for hour long walks. It’s not important what the exercise it, it’s just important that you move your body. Moving your body moves the energy in your body which helps to release some of the negative emotions we store. I highly recommend doing the exercise outside. Fresh air and sunshine are good for the soul and nature can help heal you. There is a plethora of information of out there about the benefits of exercise and nature and the positive effects it has on our mental health. Get out of your head and into your body.
- Don’t feel bad for eating well during difficult times. You’ve earned a good meal and that piece of cake. *You determine the appropriate size of the piece.* You can follow a diet or not. In times of turmoil, it is important that you eat. You body needs the fuel to keep going. And do not feel bad for eating the comfort foods in addition to the nutritional foods.
- Naps are nutrition. Rest is restoration. There is so much power and healing in slowing down, taking a break, taking multiple breaks, and restoring your balance. Life is really hard sometimes, and that’s putting it mildly. Be still. It’s part of the process.
- Write. It. Out. Burn it, rip it up, throw it in river, use it to wipe your butt with. You can dispose of it any way you want afterward, but write. it. out. and work. it. out. of your system. Writing it down is an act of letting go. Letting go of the things that make us bitter, angry, sad, scared, or whatever else weighs us down is an act of healing. Lightening the load helps us get uphill a little easier. There is release in the release.
- Community is everything. Be with your people. Whether by blood, bond, business, or bowtie loving fools, be with the people who you like and who like you. Families, the ones we’re born into or the ones we make ourselves, really do help all things. It’s a community of people who are there for one another, who help each other, and who genuinely want each other to do well. And chances are if you’re feeling off, someone else in the fam may be, too. There’s power in numbers and talking about it with a loved one can help us feel less alone.
- Pets are friends, too. After my roommate died, my cat mourned. I’ve never seen an animal mourn before, but Jack (my now 14 year old cat) knew that Tommy was gone, knew that it wasn’t good, and was truly depressed about it. He slept all day, more than usual for a cat. He only came out during feeding time and it was only half the amount. We cuddled a lot during this time, and I did find comfort in his soft little body next to mine. Animals are intuitive and can provide a great sense of comfort with their companionship. One of the things that kept me going after my friends died was knowing I still had to be there for my cat. I still had to feed him and refill his water bowl. Caring for something else gave me a sense of purpose when I would have rather stayed in bed all day, and I’m thankful it got me up and moving. There are also many studies of the power of pets and the many benefits they provide.
- Fashion is your friend. When you look good, you feel good. And when you feel good, you have the power to change. I am not always good at faking it till you make it. I was too devestated with grief to put on false airs of confidence, I did not have the emotional or mental bandwidth for that. However, what I could do to regain some confidence was look the part. I could shower, wash my hair, and put on my favorite dress. Looking better than I felt helped eventually helped me feel better on the outside, too. I worked from the outside in and in time, I found myself on even ground. When you look good, you feel good. And when you feel good, you have the power to change.
- Do something crafty. You don’t have to be a crafty person or even have a creative bone in your body. The point is not necessarily to create something, but to get your mind thinking differently. Draw, paint, sew, bake, garden, redo your bathroom floor tiles, rearrange the living room furniture, it doesn’t matter. If you can’t create anything, do a puzzle or find a coloring book and color. Engage your mind and your movement in something else. The act of refocusing your attention gives your brain a break from remembering the thing that is causing you pain. Take time to refocus. You mind will thank you.
10. Honor the grief. I know it sounds counterintuitive to hold something that devastated you as sacred, but it doesn’t have to forever. Personally, I like to let the grief totally consume me. (I mean, I don’t actually like it, feeling that way, but I haven’t found another way to totally work through the grief. And I do want to get it out.) I cry and wail. I eat all the chocolate. I don’t shower for a week. It’s not a pretty site, but grief isn’t really a pretty thing. The hard truth is the only way through it is through it. I wish there was a path around or above the grief, that there was a way for us to sidestep it, but there are no shortcuts. If you live long enough and love deeply enough, you will experience grief. Let it wash over you and let it pass. The depth of our grief is equal to the depth of our love for the one we are mourning. How beautiful to experience such a love, or multiple loves, in one lifetime.
Whatever you’re feeling, know that this, too, shall pass. I’m rooting for you!
