How to Shop for a Therapist
Because not all therapists are created equal and you don’t want a mental health professional to leave you in more crisis.
For the greater part of nine years, I have been in therapy. Life is hard and sometimes we need a little outside advice and perspective. I first went to therapy after my best friend died and have gone off and on over the last several years to help process grief, trauma, life in general, and get better aquainted with myself.
While therapy has been a wonderful resource, I learned the hard way that not all therapists are created equal. Just like in any profession, some therapists are fantastic at their job, and some are not actually listening to you at all.
Jordan was one such therapist who was not listening. When I walked into the waiting room of Starpoint Counseling, I knew it wasn't the place for me. It was an old house that was converted into an office space which in and of itself is charming. However, the poor fluorescent lighting and mismatched 1980s furniture in the waiting room gave me a funny feeling in my stomach that never left the six months I went there. Ignoring my gut on this therapy office has been one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned, yet it has also given me a way to weed out therapists and work with people who I believe can help me.
Rule #1. You might have to shop around for the right therapist for you. Not all therapists are created equal and not all therapists can help you with every issue you have.
I started going to Starpoint with my ex for couples counseling. I knew right away Jordan would not be able to help us. My trepidation of starting sessions with her was exacerbated when she introduced herself with a toothy grin more appropriate for a clown at a circus than for a couple on the rocks in therapy starting with their third therapist in three months.
We don’t usually go to therapy for happy things and it would be nice for the therapist to acknowledge that we aren’t happy to be here. While a therapist may be excited about a new client because we are dollar signs and opportunities for them, I also want to be treated as a real person with real problems and I want to feel heard.
Additionally, Jordan’s experience was with troubled youth and their parents, not couples trying to decide if they should marry or not. She was also a fair bit younger than us and happily engaged. We were not on the same page at all.
Rule #2. Ask the therapist if they can relate to your issue. This is the most common advice I’ve given friends when going to therapy for the first time or starting with a new therapist, ask if they can relate.
For example, I went to grief therapy to process the traumatic death of my roommate. At my first session with Emily (who I think might be my favorite therapist), I asked her if she had ever experienced loss and trauma. She had; and she shared with me her experience before I ever opened up about mine. Having her open up to me like this made me feel infinitely more comfortable knowing she had a point of reference even though our experiences were very different.
Whatever your issue is, ask if the therapist can relate. Be it grief, abuse, addiction, famiy issues, weight struggles, etc., knowing that someone has walked down a similar path can make you feel less alone and judged as you start to open up and process.
Rule #3. Does the therapist ask you enough questions to get a full picture of what’s going on? Or do they assume to know how you feel based on their perceptions? I don’t feel that Jordan ever listened to me. I don’t think she had enough life experience to offer meaningful advice on a situation that she couldn’t relate to. Of course she did offer advice as that was her job, but none of it was helpful and a lot of it was tone deaf. She did not know her audience at all, which I suppose comes with the terrority of being green. Yet, her crime of not listening to her clients led her to send me to the hospital, raping me of my agency, and causing me more harm than good in the end.
When I told her how traumatic the hospital stint was, she responded, “It wasn’t suppose to be fun.” She couldn’t swallow her pride to admit that she should have asked more questions instead of jumping to conclusions. Therapy is not about the therapist, it is about you. If this had been my first experience with therapy, I probably never would have gone back.
Thankfully, I’ve had wonderful therapists and therapy experiences in the past, so I knew this was an isolated incindent and not representative of therapy offices everywhere.
Rule #4. Therapy is a journey. Know there will be ups and there will be downs. Sometimes its one step forward and two steps back. Other times, it’s three steps forward and one step back. Stick with it. Be kind to yourself. Find a therapist who is also kind to you. Tough love is good, too. But it must be balanced with a softness when it comes to dealing with life’s difficulties.
Life is hard. Therapy helps. Know you’re not alone. You totally got this!
If you’ve gone to therapy and have advice you’d offer, I’d love to know in the comments!
